Tuesday, September 26, 2006

here's something i've been pondering

several times recently i've read prospective adoptive parents say that they are only willing to consider an open adoption because they believe open adoption is best for their children.

i don't completely understand this.

i do, of course, believe open adoption is best for children, and ultimately everyone else in the adoption triad as well. in an ideal world -- at least an ideal world in which adoption still happens (putting aside the possibility that this is a contradiction in terms) -- all adoptions would be healthy, open ones.

but i don't understand how it's better for a child to be rejected by a potential adoptive family that is committed to openness, just because the first family doesn't want an open adoption. it seems to me that *all* children are better off in an adoptive family that is committed to openness. it seems to me that perhaps children whose first families want the adoption closed will *particularly* benefit from an adoptive family that is going to be sensitve to all the complex issues that arise when that child wants to find his or her first family.

i can certainly see how an open adoption could be best for adoptive parents who want to have that experience, and i think that's a valid reason for only being open to an open adoption. but i don't see how it's best for the children.

i'm not trying to create an argument here so much as i'm asking for clarification. i really just don't understand this reasoning (and it's possible i have the reasoning all wrong), but i would like to.

any thoughts?


At September 26, 2006 7:18 PM, Blogger Dawn said...

This is an interesting thought. We got openness by default -- I didn't know enough about it to prefer it a whole bunch. We were open to openness and I had this kind of fantasy about it but I really knew very little about adoption going into it and so I didn't really know enough to have a preference about how it should look. I wonder if I were going to adopt again how it would be.

It kinda makes me thinka bout people who will say to international adopters -- "I would never adopt from country XYZ because that country's politics are wrong." And I think, goodness, if you (speaker) don't want to adopt for any reason, don't adopt but here this family is going there and boycotting that country's children because of politics doesn't seem to be about the best interests of the kids.

I don't know what we'd do if we were to adopt again. I can't see looking for a specific situation because it seems emotionally easier to be "whatever will be will be" about it if I don't have a fixed idea about how I *want* it to be. Then again, we're NOT going to adopt again so it's a moot point and I can't even pretend to know how it might end up feeling for me.

At September 26, 2006 7:49 PM, Blogger afrindiemum said...

i completely agree with you. i hope for z, if her first family doesn't decide to open the adoption again, that it is better for her that we are open. that we live in a spirit of openness regarding her adoption. and i do think, for her, that a family like ours that is committed to openness is best and healthiest, considering the situation. but i wouldn't say her situation is the ideal (i know - no one has the ideal life - but i guess that's what i'd like for my children in the end)

but for us - specifically requesting an adoption where first parents are in contact with us - it's a couple of things. one - we feel that it will make life easier for us and our kid. it's selfish, yes. i really want (and feel like i need) an adoption with a high amount of contact. i don't know why that is. and maybe it will end up being for us something that isn't easier - is only more complicated. i know that's a risk i'm taking. two - i think it is healthier for a child to have an open line of communication with their first parents and i want to be able to provide my child with the healthiest upbringing that i can. i guess it just feels like any other parenting decision - what's going to feel right to us.

did i even answer your question? :)


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